10:48pm: yea, its an attempt at writing (key word being ATTEMPT)
She walks slowly to the window and stares past the raindrops streaking down the dirty glass. Every thought racing through her head sends a painful sting across her skull and reminds her that this isnt over yet. The thunder rolls like an 18 wheeler on an old metal bridge and she counts the seconds until she sees the flash of lightening; 10 seconds, 10 miles away.

A shadowy figure sits cross-legged in the corner atop a pile of pillows and blankets, at first glance she is almost statuesque. Her arms rest beside her and she slouches over her makeshift bong in her lap. She takes a hit and holds it in a second, opens the corner of her mouth and watches the smoke dissipate into the air. Her hand rises to her mouth and the flicker of a lighter rises to meet another cigarette, probably her 10th that night.

The thunder rolls again and lightening strikes immediately afterwards, the time had come. The girl by the window begins to pace back and forth; 3 steps forward, turn around, 3 steps back, 3 steps forward again, turn around, 3 steps back. She continued this pattern at least 10 times before the cross-legged, stoned statue in the corner came to life and rose to her feet.

“Stop, your making me dizzy” came the voice, half giggling, half whispering.
“That's just the drugs talking fuck face, get back to your corner and leave me the fuck alone.”

More giggling came and then quieted when nothing further was said.
“You know you want some, just take a hit and you'll totally calm down, do it for Mary Jane, she'll get you what you need, don't worry about it, she wouldn't want you stressing like this.”

Just as she had finished saying this, the other stopped pacing and focused all her attention to the window once again.
“I hear a car, it has to be her”

A black 96' Camry flew down the street and fishtailed on the wet pavement, missing the mailbox by just inches and came to a stop in front of the house. The driver's door flew open and the long awaited Mary Jane sprinted across the muddy overgrown front lawn with a cardboard box tightly held to her chest. Her matted red curls absorbed the rain pouring down on her and then let all of it run straight down her face onto her stage-like makeup. Her torn gray sweatpants and 4 sizes-too-big neon pink t-shirt stuck to her as the rain pelted her with ever step. She finally made it to the front steps, where the pacer was ready to swing the door open upon arrival.

“OHMYGOSH--AREYOUROK?!?!?!” the pacer's words were blended together with a small pause to breathe.
“Hey, how's it goin Mary” mumbled the stoned statue who had slowly made her way to the door and greeted the visitor.
“You would not believe what i had to do to get this and get back here with it, its unbelievable what you hafta do to get a fuckin record player around here.”

Thunder rolled and they pulled Mary into the house and slammed the door tight; 4 seconds, 4 miles away, finally the storm was passing.

The pacer grabbed the box from Mary and placed it in the center of scratched wooden floor. The room was big with tall ceilings, spider webs adorning every corner, retro fashions of wallpaper showed through the one lazy coat of cheap white paint. But there was one cabinet against the wall that did not look a part of the scenery, it didn't belong there, but it was the most important part of the room and everyone there knew it. It was made of cherry wood and wasn't very big, but there wasn't a speck of dust on it or one scratch that could be found on its clear glassy finish. It had a small metal knob below an embellished key hole. It was the only beautiful thing in the house, it was the only thing that was ever even paid any attention. And finally the moment had come to open it.

The pacer rushed to it and dug deep into her oversized jeans' pockets for the key. Finally she withdrew a small key and inserted it into the lock above the knob on the beautiful cabinet. The door swung open and inside were the girls' only treasures, it was all they had left.

9:30pm: drama is the one thing i loathe,
i say its killing me slowly, but not slow enough
i say its horrible
i say it isnt worth living through
and yet i cannot live without it, every breath i take is full of drama, every word you say to me increases the tension, thickens the air between your face and mine
as you get closer i want to pull away, as i get closer you close your eyes, i dont know if this is completely right, drama in my mind, tangles of thoughts and dreams and images of perfection, thoughts of knowing this is wrong, knowing im living a lie, everythings a lie, everyone is blind, every action, every step, everyone is an actor in an audition for a part in the real world that nobody is ever cast for, get used to it

the drama is my life, the drama is the air i breathe, the drama is my every dream and fanatasy and every nightmare and fear, im beginning to believe, i am the drama

12:27pm: im being filled with uncertainty
close calls after close calls
the verdict either made or soon to be
im left in the dark, not knowing if il see him again
one last nite we had together
broken up by a potential disaster
in the end rescued by God

this is a letter of friendship torn into pieces by a series of events that nobody could prevent......
the outcome of the past events was inevitable but the consequences crept upon us too quickly...way too quickly

this is a prayer to God to protect him from losing himself, protect him from himself, protect his heart from being destroyed.....protect me from falling without him

i pray to God you are ok

10:48pm: A part of me has died
a huge piece of my soul just dropped away
such a cold heart that has driven a blunt knife through my emotions
i radiated so many encouragements, i never left your side
yet you still hate
you still spite me

my mind continues to gravitate towards the dark
every emotion ive burried is being dug up
im fighting hard just to push u from my thoughts
your face is like a trigger on a pistol to my head
i dont understand what went wrong

im not strong, i cant stop thinking about you
i cant stop torturing myself with memories
tormenting myself with thoughts of you
it helps me take away the pain of your lies
it eases the state of distress my soul has taken
and yet it only causes new wounds

My memories of childhood moments, just you and me
sisters to the end, we promised that would never change
crying, praying, laughing, singing, never thinking anything would change
these memories healing the wounds of the glares and words attacking me like ammunition stored away for years, only waiting to be used against me

these partially healed wounds, only closing to be torn apart again
every moment i see you, everything reminds me of you
every aspect of our friendship, foundation set so deep
bricks of the structure littering the world, everywhere i look
everything i see, every thought playing over in my head
ripping apart the scar tissue, my heart will never heal

There is no point to my sorrow
if you want to let go, i must let go too
there is no easy way to say i still love you
there isnt a way i can speak to you without a tear escaping
there is no chance of recovery, if you really have died
have you died?

9:38pm: you said rainbows and butterflies would adorn your grave when u die
but you aint been as much of an angel as it seems
your god aint my god
atleast the one you beckon when i scream
"oh god" yeah
you aint no angel
pretty girl you aint no angel
try to be my concious
i aint listenin anymore
whisper in my ear all you have to say
i love to hear the plans of self-destruction
your only out to get me
make me miserable like you
innocent and quiet
pretty and modest
but you aint no fuckin angel
and i aint like you

9:26pm: This is when the final thought hit me, the moment i looked him in the eyes and he smiled. Hes so adorable when he laughs, and when he just looks at me with his arms open wide to hug me. He makes me feel so good when he just holds me, all his friends around, he doesnt care. It just gives me that happy feeling inside.....I think i like him........


BTW........I have diagnosed myself with a condition i like to call "musical moodswings"

6:03pm: So yea.... i havent posted anything in a really long time but here goes...............



You stole my heart and i hoped to die
caught up in needles blinded my own eyes
I promise i wont tell

9:15pm: if i could have my wasted days back, would i use them to get back on track?

10:44pm: " you screwed up, your an f-up you a selfish brat and if you dont like it, count the days until you can leave and see how much better you can do on ur own"

8:40pm: calm currents pull me under rocking me softly to sleep
my head breaks the water and i gasp for air, not asleep yet--too bad--my eyes will burn for one more fateful moment--rocking, the waves breaking - singing me the lullaby of the last sleep, the first peaceful one- swaying back and forth, up and down, up and down, my head drifts under again-- my arms want to move, carry me up, one more breath, thats all i want-- the sweet salty air just above me- i can get there-- one more remenisce-- for old times sake-- my arms lift me up as the moon casts its light across the cradle in which i lie- my throat is rough and pained just to breathe- distracts my legs--they forget to move- my senses are dulled- my arms collapse and i sink-- descending through my light blue blankets-- i open my mouth and heave in the hugest breath i can--water floods through me- filling my lungs-my throaat burns- dont worry-i wont suffer long-it'll be over soon enough--for now, just let the ocean sing you it's lullaby------

9:18pm: If i did what i wanted to right now, i wouldnt be the same person, not to myself or to you, or to anyone else who doesnt know the old me, ive changed, and it will never be the same again


in this time are we loving or do we sit here wondering why this world isnt turning around its now or never

6:07pm: "Pressing On"

I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here.
Out of mind, out of state.
Trying to keep my head on straight.
I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here.
There's only one thing left to do.
Drop all I have and go with you.

[Chorus:]
Somewhere back there I left my worries all behind.
My problems fell out of the back of my mind.
We're going and I'm never knowing (never knowing) where we're going.
To go back to where I was would just be wrong.
I'm pressing on.
Pressing on, all my distress is going, going, gone. (pressing on, pressing on)
And I won't sit back, and take this anymore.
'Cause I'm done with that, I've got one foot out the door.
And to go back where I was would just be wrong
I'm pressing on.

I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here.
Out of mind, out of state.
Trying to keep my head on straight.
I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here.
Adversity, we get around it.
Searched for joy, in you I found it.

You look down on me, but you don't look down on me at all.
You smile and laugh, and I feel the love you have for me.
I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here, and we're gonna make it after all.






this song is my inspiration TO go on, and my friends are right there with me, I LOVE YOU GUYS BFFL

6:56pm: i wrote this today.............maybe its a sign that i havn't completely lost who i once was............YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



The sun set and cast long shadows across the sand making the two children seem to tower over the empty space. The place they sat was laden with a tattered and faded pink bath towel, its fraying edges soaking in the soft waves that crashed and expanded the shoreline. From a distance they were twins. Identical softly curved shoulders with dirty blonde hair unevenly falling to the center of each of their pale backs. The beach was uncommonly quiet now, empty at around 7 pm. in the small cove. The orange glimmer reflecting on the water of the setting sun sank beneath the horizon.
The girls, now shrinking in the shadows, still didn't move as silence and darkness settled in. A breeze that would chill even MY frozen soul didn't cause a shiver in either of their frail bodies. I sat and studied them for hours it seemed. I was enchanted by their solitary beauty, each with a blue string top and black bottoms. Their feet lay in the waves as the water gently caressed each toe with sand.
There wasn't a sound heard over the lullaby of the waves as the moon shone through the almost opaque cloud-cover. The girls finally stood, revealing their true slender figures. Each at the same moment moving their legs and bending their arms, stretching and unfolding themselves like blankets that had been in a cedar chest all summer, creased and anxious to be free. Alas! They had finally shaken themselves from their statue-like state! They were more beautiful than anything I had ever seen.
They left what was left of the ancient towel and clasped eachothers hand. As they slowly strolled away from me down the beach, I could not help but follow them. The towel as my excuse, I rushed down the sandy dunes from where I had been spying the beautiful creatures. The girls froze as I thrashed my way down the beach, as if they had something to hide. They glanced back between their shoulders for just long enough for me to see the ruby red pupils of their soft almond shaped eyes.
I stopped dead in my tracks and fell to the ground, to alarmed to pull myself back to my feet, I layed there with my eyes staring straight into the sky until the sun shone from behind the dunes. And then I ran. I ran as far as I could go to try and forget what I had seen. To this day I still try to shake the thoughts from my lonely old brain, and as I forget every other thing I had ever known like my long dead dog's name or my favorite child play toy, I cannot lose the image of the two girls i saw that day. Pale and cold, deep red eyes, they will never leave my ever aging head until my heart stops and I lie six feet under.

12:54am: hi everyone, im just posting cuz its like 1 AM and Jess is over and im bored....................

everything is just peachy keen and just dandy around here, holiday seasons are upon us, like literally being dropped on top of some of us. Last week was kinda depressing but Kelly told me that i wasnt allowed to be a "mole" and dig myself into another depressed hole and that i had to be a twitchy park squirrel and run into trees 3.33% of the time or something so things arent as bad as they could be. Jess just cut my hair and its all pretty and my boy toy took me on his 4 wheeler today and it was wicked fun. and yea thats the story of my life.......................THE END

9:04pm: random quiz - ironic answer as it so happens

12:48am: i wish someone would tell me to go die, i would take their advice and take my own life, becuase i am not happy, i always want more and im such a fucking selfish brat and i fucking need to get over my fucking self and fucking die, the whole fucking world would be a whole fucking lot better without a pessemist fucking loser like me

12:30am: the world old and new
whispers all around me

souls of dead and gone
enkindle the soul inside me

the hearts that wrap around me
sicken me as they live

the water is rising
too deep to stand

the current is faster
undertoe pulling me down

the spirits guide me
far away from the living

the dead are my trail
but to the world i seem alone

to the lifeless living children
i seem alone and lost, a wanderer

to my heart and soul
i am walking a set path

im treading water
getting stronger

the tide is rising
the waters deep

the living drown,
they were faced with my challenge

do i wander as im floating
floating through this ocean

do i drift from my goal as i float alone
or am i still on track, spirits showing me the way

you look in and i seem lost
im alone, talking to myself, completely insane

but what you dont realize is,
im not alone, you are

and you will die that way, alone
and i wont, my spirits will guide me

10:38pm: aight, here i go

im here, not cuz i want it, i need it, all of a sudden, this wicked happy feeling just disappeared, go figure but its me we're talkin about. you all used to read bout how i had this shit goin on and finally i got it under control...........i dont know whats happening, cuz things are falling apart again and its not tragic, its life, and i hate that i just am letting all this go, im just saying its life and not caring, and this is my vent, cuz i have nowhere else to let off my anger. im losing it, losing it all again, if you dont understand this, i didnt expect you to, and if you think you do, you dont.

xx shadow child xx

10:14pm: hey
im alone downstairs in sarahs house,
she went somewhere and her sister and her friends are down here playing ddr
she went somewhere and i dont know if i should try to find her, its been like 15 min. since she went away. shes just all depressed cuz steven is depressed again and she doesnt know what to do. I dont want her to feel like this and i want her to realize that she cant keep being depressed just cuz he is, but she cant help it. i know how that is ans i know how that feels, but im just worried about her. I dont know what else to tell her and i feel like im powerless to help her. Shes like my best friend and i never want her to feel like this. I want her to be her old self again and be happy and smiling and not have to hide sad feelings from everyone. I know how that is too, and its not fun, its hard on your heart and only lets you be someone your not. Im still like that now, and im getting worse, i would never want that for her, and i want her to know that, but i dont know if theres a way to tell her.

please come to my rescue, im alone and tired, feeling weak,
every breath i take is fake
i feel so false, i dont know who i am anymore
i keep awake at night, just to have some time to think
it just makes me worse
these eyes just grow heavier
and my mind is just more tangled
i have no identity, im stealing yours
im stealing everyones, just because i lost myself, and your the first ones i found

im so lost, and theres nothing left of the trail i had once left behind
theres no time to think, and twisted thoughts are all thats left of who i was before
i want me back, i hate my twisted reflection of you melted with somebody else
i hate myself now, because a twisted reflection of you is what ive become
i dont know what to say
i feel alone and weak and lost completely




none of this makes sense, sorry, just letting some stuff out, i cant think at all

9:04pm: these are THE COOLEST things EVER!!!!!!!....................and.......THEYRE ALL MINE!!!!!
( my drug, for the moment )

12:11pm: "as I lay me down to sleep I pray the lord my soul to keep and if I die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take, and bless mommy, and bless daddy who just had to get out of this hell hole"

12:23pm: this is my friend and my cat, i was bored


( jes and cat )

12:02pm: this is just a pic i took and printed, i dont think its good or anything, i just like it cuz i went in a tree to take it :)
( cemetary )

9:24am:
( story bout a girl- cont. and edit )

im not sure if im keeping any of this, i keep writing stuff and deleting it cuz i hate everything that i decide to write when its done but yea,   comment anyways